1. There are at least two types of Ukrainian Borsch (no 't' at the end): the kind you make with meat and vegetables for every day and the kind you make for Christmas, to die for, without meat but with pickled beats and very special Ukrainian mushrooms (which had to be imported from Ukraine at great cost). Russian borscht is not borsch. Jewish borscht is not borsch. No borscht served with a dollop of sour cream is borsch. Only Ukrainian borsch is truly borsch.
2. The amount of food at a party must serve at least three times the number of people invited. The worst possible insult would be running out of food. It's a good thing that you like this food a lot because you will be eating it long after the party and savouring all the different ways of serving it up. Everything is cooked to death. Raw food does not exist. Even salad is served wilted. With sour cream dressing.
3. The first thing my mother would do when I invited friends over is get them to eat, even if they had already eaten. She would get upset if they didn't eat everything she put out for them, because the worst possible insult is not to eat everything put in front of you. Think of the starving children in Africa.
4. Some rugs are hung on the wall. Others on the floors. All Ukrainians know which are which.
5. Every wedding would have a "show" of Ukrainian dancing in the middle of it. Some of us might join in.
6. The men drink their juicyk. Orange juice laced with vodka on the sly. Otherwise they drink cognac and play cards openly.
7. Fridays, we had either fish or "pyrohy" or "varenyky" or "plyatsky" (potato pancakes) served with sour cream. "Good God, you couldn't serve them with apple sauce. That's the German way." After the Pope declared that Catholics could eat meat on Fridays, we still ate fish or plyatsky or pyrohy because "What does that old fool know?" And no, they are not pierogi, they are pyrohy.
8. Sundays we went to Ukrainian Bysantine Rite Catholic Church even though it was an hour's drive when the Roman Catholic church was just down the street. The men stood outside and discussed important political matters, while the women went in and prayed, and the children snuck into the choir loft and played. The most important part was after the service when everyone stood around outside and talked and flirted. The social event that brought everyone together to catch up once a week.
9. The Easter feast had to have lots of eggs and ham, and lots of it, at least three different kinds of sausage (kabanos, kobasa (kielbasa), saltseson, etc), pashtet (meat pate), the Easter basket freshly blessed on Holy Saturday with all its holy contents, babka, tsvikla (beets with horseradish), chrin (horseradish sauce), studenetz (fish or meat aspic), potato salad, beet salad, bean salad, and five different types of cakes, coffee, and lots of vodka, cognac, and whiskey. It lasted all day.
10. The Christmas feast had to have twelve courses and caroling. It lasted all day. Courses included borsch, ushka, fish, bread, holubtsi, pyrohy (at least two kinds), mushroom gravy, kutia, compote, cake, pastries, coffee, and then some. Presents were minor and were usually delivered on St. Nicholas' feast earlier in the month.
11. Your father tells you to put some meat on your bones. "There is not enough for anyone to hold onto."
12. Your mom cleans the hotel room before the chambermaid comes because we don't want to be embarrased ('schoby ne bulo vstydno').
13. You are forever embarrassed by the broken English at the most horrific times, like in the department store when your mother asks, "Scuse me, vere are the shits." "That's sheets, ma, sheets."
14. You get to college and realize you have no idea what a ladle is called in English (Hochlya, don't you just love that word?).
15. You go to Austria and see schnitzel on the menu. You order it knowing it's a special hambuger type meal like Salisbury steak. Except when it arrives, it's nothing like schnitzli. You are disappointed. But then you realize schnitzel in Austria is really karmenadli and you are happy again.
16. Cold schnitzli on rye bread with pickle slices are divine. Must sprinkle with salt.
17. You can recite all the rules of soccer before the age of 5.
18. You are expected to become a doctor, a lawyer, an engineer, or a professor. There are no other honourable professions.
19. You have to figure out titles that fit with genders like Pan Professor Doctoroviy (Mr. Professor husband of Doctor) and Pani Doctor Professorova (Mrs. Doctor wife of Professor).
20. Men greet women by kissing their hands and saying "Tsiluyu ruchky" or I kiss your hand. Right.
21. You are expected to marry a Ukrainian, have Ukrainian children raised in the Ukrainian Catholic faith, and when the time comes, free Ukraine. This is what you were taught for all those years in Ukrainian school on Saturdays until you were 18. (Is this like being a mole?)
22. Old sour cream containers are a valuable commodity, far superior to Tupperware. Why pay for something you can have for free? And as sour cream is a Ukrainian staple, there are plenty of them.
23. Never throw anything away because it may come in useful one day. Old clothes make perfect rags, for example.
24. Your parents talk like Yoda. Hungry you are? Sit here you will? With them is The Force?
25. You didn't join Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts in America you joined Plast which is Ukrainian scouting in America. You learned Morse Code in Ukrainian. Very useful.
My mother said Ukrainians have a lot in common with Irish. The Ukrainians like potatoes, the Irish like potatoes. The Ukrainians like to sing, the Irish like to sing. The Ukrainians like vodka, The Irish like whiskey. What's not to like?
So I married an Irish-German-American. We get along just fine.
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